Top Ten Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4.Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my goodness! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from.

5. Say, "No", repeatedly. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

7.Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.

8. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Mantermills." You: "Mantermills!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up.

10. Say to the Telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel." 

Useless Fact

 The housefly hums, middle octave, key of F. 

Quote

Cleverness is not wisdom.  ~Euripides

E's Thoughts:  Number five is my favorite!!!  

Now that I know that a fly hums middle octave key of F I want to find a fly and listen to it...

 

Top Ten Things To Do While In The Elevator

1. Meow occasionally

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly

3. Lean against the button panel

4. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator

5. When arriving at the floor, grunt and strain to get the doors open then act embarrassed when they open by themselves

6. Bet another passenger that you can fit a quarter in your nose

7. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them

8. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while then announce, "I've got new socks on!"

9. Stare at your thumb and then say, "I think that it is getting larger!"

10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope

Useless Fact

Walt Disney was afraid of mice

Quote

"Sweet on the outside, chicken on the inside" ~ Josiah Ireland when describing BBQ sauce

E's Thoughts: Number ten is definitely the best!  It makes me want to go and buy and stethoscope just to be able to do that!  

This useless fact is rather ironic...

Thanks Yosh for the quote! (Even though it was Anna who gave it to me) ;)

Thangs I've learned in the South  Part 1

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road

2. Onced and Twiced are words

3. If it grows, it'll stick ya and if it crawls, it'll bite cha!

4. It's not a shopping cart its a buggy

5. Jaw-P?  Means did y'all go to the bathroom?

6. People actually grow and eat okra

7. Fixinto is one word.  It means I'm fixing to do that

 8. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.  Folks in the south do like a little tea with their sugar

9. Many think that deer season is a national holilday

10. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car

Useless Fact

In chess, there are 169,518,829,100,544,000,000,000,000,000 ways to play the first ten moves.

Quote

Algebra is an evil Sudoku game of torture!  ~Mary Jackson

E's Thoughts 

~You guys know that I am kind of from the north.  Both my parents are from Michigan and I lived there a couple of years and we still go up there every year for vacation.  So I thought that these were absolutely hilarious!  It is very true, some people in the north don't even know what okra is!  If Dawson looks at this I put number ten up just for him! ;)

~This is exactly why I don't play chess!  There are just too many options!

~Mary said this in algebra class and I can't say that I completely agree with her.............yet

Well...I am very sad cause nobody at least tried to answer my little quiz :(  But I will still give you the answer just as I said I would on Sunday!  The answer is...

MARK TWAIN!  

Pretty tricky huh! ;)

So since everybody else seems to be doing these kinds of things I decided that I should do one two.  So here is a quote and I will give you four names and you have to guess who said it.  I'll give out the answer next Sunday (If I remember)  Have fun! :)
 

"Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand."

a. Zig Ziglar

b.Mark Twain

c. Helen Keller 

d.Benjamin Franklin  

Top 20 Things to Do
While Ordering a Pizza

10. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

9. Put them on hold.

8. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic   and become disoriented...

7. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

6. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

5. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

4. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

3. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

    2. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.                                     

1. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

Useless Fact

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.  

Quote

If you teach your children nothing else, teach the the Golden Rule and "righty- tighty, lefty-loosey."  ~Robert Brault

E's thoughts ~ I think that the next time you order pizza you should do at least number ten!  

I thought that this particular useless fact was in fact not very useless but I thought it very interesting none the less.  

I learned the Golden Rule from a very early age but I have to say that my mother didn't teach me the righty-tighty, lefty-loosey rule until just a couple of years ago.  Definitely a good thing to teach kids...has helped me who knows how many times!  :)

Top Ten Good Ways to Treat People

1. Speak to People - There is nothing so nice as a cheerful word or greeting.  

2. Smile at People - It takes 72 muscles to frown, only 14 to smile. 

3. Call People by Name -  The sweetest music to anyone's ears is the sound of his own name. 

4. Be Friendly and Helpful - If you would have friends, be a friend. 

5. Be Cordial - Speak and act as if everything you do is a genuine pleasure.

6. Be Genuinely - Interested in people.  You can like at least a few things about everybody.  

7. Be Generous - With praise - Cautious with criticism.

8. Be Considerate - With the feelings of others.  There are usually three sides to a controversy - Yours, the 

other fellow's and the right side.

9. Be Alert - to give service.  What counts most in life is what we do for others.  

10. Add to This - A good sense of humor, a big dose of patience and a dash of humility - and you will be rewarded many-fold.  

Useless Fact

The bagpipe was originally made from the liver of a dead sheep.

Quote

"To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."  ~Michael Jordan

~I really want to try to use these top 10's every day!  I think that if we used these every day God would be quite happy with us.  

~It is really pretty gross to think about the first person who might have played on that bagpipe...

 

Top 10 Ways to
Keep Wackiness in the Workplace 10. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
9. Schedule meetings for 4:14 PM.
8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers or tape dispensers.
7. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
5. When co-worker walks by motion him over, lean forward as if you are about to say something then go back to work.
4. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
2. Include a personal note on every email that you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

  

Useless Fact

It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

Quote

I spent enough money to burn a wet mule.

~Dave the mushroom guy 

E's thoughts:  I think that if I named my pens they would probably be: V, Inky and fuzzy just to name a few.  If any of you people out there in the whole wide had to name your pens what would they be?  

Special thanks to Dave for letting me put his quote on here!  He said that it is indeed very hard to burn a wet mule and i'll just have to take his word for it cause I can't say that I have ever done that...

Top 10's, useless fact and quote of the week!

Top 10 Odd Medical Record Statements
(These are supposedly found on patient's charts) 10. "The skin was moist and dry."
9. "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
8. "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
7. "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
6. "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
5. "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
4. "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."
3. "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
2. "She is numb from her toes down."

1. "The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."

Useless fact

There is a sea squirt found in the seas near Japan that digests its own brain. When the sea squirt is mature, it permanently attaches itself to a rock. At this point it does not need to move anymore and has no need for a brain. So, waste not want not, it eats it. 

Quote

"You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him."

E's thoughts:  I have just got to say that number 2 and 3 on the top ten's are my absolute favorites and haven't you always wanted to know about the sea squirt who eats it's own brain?  You guy's be sure to share your thought's on this!  I am expecting a lot of feedback, no pressure of course :)